At my present age I would be married and possibly carrying my second child if I were a woman raised in Kerala culture and tradition. I would have been married by the age of 24 to someone pre-selected by my parents. They would have found him through a marriage broker and both families would have completed some type of background check to confirm that both he and I were suitable (respectable enough) for the marriage. From my parents’ house to my husband’s house would not seem like such an absurd concept to me if I were a woman raised here. My twenties would not be about independence, self-sufficiency, or personal discovery. The constant ‘tug of war’ I play with myself might not exist. I am constantly yanked between two clear perceptions about my life: a) I am 28 and should be thinking about settling down and starting a family b) I am 28 and have so much more I need to accomplish before I can freely set my wants on hold to nurture and develop someone else’s. I am sure that there is a way to accomplish both but I just do not know if I am skilled enough to master that tight rope yet.

Living here I would not have these questions or this constant struggle. I know that I would have other personal challenges but my twenties (late twenties) would look so much different. The women that I meet within my age range (either a year my senior or junior) seem so much older than I am. Marriage and parenthood ages people, I know this, but still I cannot help but wonder do I seem selfish to them. Do they think I am wasting my life? As of 2000, the life expectancy rate for men in India is 64 and 65 for women. The life expectancy for people living in the state of Kerala is in the early 70s. Knowing this helps me understand the urgency for needing to start families but it does not make it any easier to accept. Midlife crisis takes on a whole new meaning when you consider 4-8 years from now I would be going through one.

Then there is the issue of love. Can love be preplanned by others who know you well but do not know you best? Were the fairytales of my childhood too vividly portrayed painting love and happily ever after (marriage) as these magical adventures? Can two people learn to love each other even if they are not mentally, spiritually, or physically attracted to each other? What is the recipe (always bringing it back to food) for a good marriage if love is not a main ingredient? Could a headstrong female accept a subservient status within her marriage and family life? Are these the women committing suicide that I have heard random stories about since my arrival? I do not know.

What I do know is that I am definitely learning a lot about cultural diversity and myself. I am learning that even if something does not work or hold value in my life does not take away from the value and worth in someone else’s life. I am recognizing in myself a desire to be both a wife and a mother which I did not truly believe existed in me. But perhaps more importantly is that I am learning acceptance of time and space; I am happy with who and what I am in the lives of those I love right now. If I am meant to be both a wife and a mother those roles will find me…my disclaimer is that I am learning this way of thinking not that I have mastered it.

Until next time, happy days from India!